Domestic Violence and Abuse:  Identifying Red and Orange Flags and What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like 

How can you recognize if someone in your home or someone you’re in a relationship with is abusive and seeking to gain and maintain power and control over you? Below are common abusive tactics used to assert dominance and manipulate a partner. These behaviors aren’t random or accidental; they are intentional strategies aimed at undermining your autonomy, eroding your sense of safety, and diminishing your self-worth. 

Harmful Language: A psychological tactic used by an abusive partner to undermine the victim’s self-worth and emotional stability. This may include name-calling, insults, manipulation, and mind games designed to create confusion and self-doubt. The abuser may engage in intentional humiliation, expose private or sensitive information, or spread falsehoods to damage the victim’s reputation. These behaviors serve to erode confidence, foster dependency, and maintain power and control within the relationship. 

Social Standing: This involves the abusive partner using aspects of the victim’s race, gender, class, religion, immigration status, or sexual orientation to control the relationship. They may use these identities to make all the decisions, assign roles based on stereotypes, or manipulate power dynamics. This type of abuse reinforces inequality and serves to limit your autonomy and maintain control. 
 
Technology: A form of control where the abusive partner misuses technology to monitor, intimidate, or violate privacy. This can include unauthorized access to the victim’s phone or accounts, pressure to send/view/take sexual images, excessive messaging or calling, use of GPS or location services to track the victim’s movements, and harassing or surveilling the victim through social media platforms. These behaviors are designed to invade personal boundaries, create fear, and maintain constant oversight and control. 

Intimidation: A tactic used by an abusive partner to instill fear and assert control through threatening behavior. This may include menacing looks or gestures, destroying property, harming pets or loved ones, or displaying weapons to create a sense of danger. The purpose of these actions is to frighten the victim into compliance and reinforce the abuser’s dominance within the relationship. 

Minimize/Deny/Blame: Minimizing or denying might include denying that there is any serious impact from the abuse and/or blaming the victim, claiming that the abuse is their fault. The abusive partner may say things like “No one will believe you because you have no bruises.” Or “I wouldn’t do this if you didn’t make me so angry.” Shifting responsibility to the victim can make them question their own perceptions, doubt their reality, and potentially deter them from seeking help.   

Threats: An abusive partner might use threats of physical or sexual violence to control the victim. Other threats to gain control over the victim and the victim’s actions might include threats to leave, to commit suicide, to harm kids or other family members, or to expose private information about the victim. 

Sex: Sex can be used as a form of abuse through coercion, manipulation, or force. Abusers may pressure their partner into unwanted sexual activity, use sex as punishment or reward, commit sexual assault, or engage in reproductive coercion. These acts are intended to control, degrade, or dominate the victim, often leaving deep psychological and physical harm.  

Isolation: The abusive partner systematically restricts freedom and independence. This may involve controlling their victim’s movements and daily activities, dictating what they wear, who they are allowed to interact with, and where they can go. Over time, the abuser may deliberately alienate the victim from supportive relationships, such as family and friends, to increase dependency and reduce external influences or opportunities for help. 

Physical Violence: This may include acts such as hitting, slapping, scratching, shaking, pinching, strangling, pushing, biting, or grabbing. These behaviors are often used to assert control, instill fear, and reinforce power dynamics within the relationship. 

*If you ever experience strangling (external pressure applied to the neck by someone’s hands or an object like a belt or rope), please seek immediate medical attention even if you have no visible marks. After strangulation, you can experience internal injuries with a delayed onset of symptoms. These internal injuries can be serious or fatal. 

*A woman who has suffered a non-fatal strangulation incident with her intimate partner is 750% more likely to be killed by the same perpetrator. 

Financial Control: The abusive partner exerts dominance by manipulating or restricting access to financial resources. This may involve preventing the victim from working, confiscating their earnings, controlling all household finances, or providing only a limited allowance. In many cases, the victim is denied access to bank accounts or financial information, making it difficult to achieve independence or leave the abusive situation. Financial abuse is often a strategic method to create dependency and limit the victim’s autonomy. 

Maybe you have not experienced the abusive techniques listed above, but you are questioning some behaviors displayed by your partner. The following are orange flags to pay attention to and monitor. These characteristics are common among abusers and can escalate into control and/or aggression.  

Quick Involvement and Love Bombing: This is when someone overwhelms another person with excessive affection, attention, praise, and gifts to gain control or influence. While it may initially feel flattering or romantic, the intent behind love bombing is often to create dependency, erode boundaries, and make the target more vulnerable to manipulation.

Examples include:

• Saying, “You’re my soulmate” after just a few dates
• Constant texting
• Surprise gifts
• Sudden declarations of love
• Talking about moving in together or marriage almost immediately after starting dating

Sudden Mood Swings: An abusive partner may shift rapidly between affection and rage to keep victims emotionally off-balance, increasing dependency and compliance.

Jealousy and Possessiveness: Often framed as “love” or “concern,” this behavior limits the victim’s relationships, independence, and freedom by fostering guilt or fear of consequences.

Superiority/Sense of Entitlement: An abuse partner may believe they deserve control or obedience, using this mindset to excuse manipulation, coercion, or violence.

Jekyll/Hyde Personality: This may appear as a person who is charismatic and pleasant on the surface but quickly changes when things don’t go their way. They are often focused on preserving a favorable public image, setting unattainable standards, and frequently shifting blame onto others when problems arise. 

It’s also important to understand that controlling behaviors don’t usually appear all at once. These behaviors tend to build gradually, becoming more intense as the abuser works to gain the level of power and control they want over their target.  

All relationships take effort and can face challenges, but there are healthy ways to communicate, handle disagreements, and navigate differing perspectives. Below are appropriate, green flags within a relationship: 

Empathy: Understanding where your partner’s thoughts and feelings are coming from, even if you don’t agree with them. Putting yourself in their shoes. 

Honesty: Actions and words match. Being truthful. Not deceptive. 

Independence: Each partner has their own goals and hobbies separate from each other. 

Conflict Resolution: Each partner takes responsibility and accountability for their actions. Find a resolution with compromise and respect. 

Intimacy: A physical, emotional, and/or intellectual connection with someone where you feel safe to share thoughts, feelings, and experiences. 

Communication: Clearly and respectfully sharing your thoughts and feelings while also listening to others. 

Appreciation: Noticing the good in your partner and expressing gratitude for it. 

Balance: You find happiness in time spent together and apart. Some needs are met outside the relationship (through friendships, hobbies, etc.). It means sharing responsibilities, respecting boundaries, and making space for both togetherness and independence. 

Abusers often act differently around others, showing their true controlling nature only to the person they’re targeting. This selective behavior reveals that the abuse is intentional and calculated, not accidental or impulsive.

Domestic violence is a complex issue, and leaving an abusive relationship is rarely as easy as “just leaving”. The abusive behaviors and red flags mentioned above often instill deep fear in the victim—not only for their own safety but also for the safety of loved ones. When a victim of DV does something that the abuser perceives as a threat to their control, the abuser typically escalates their tactics to reassert dominance and maintain power over the victim.  

Abusive behavior is not about losing control, it’s about exerting it. Abusers often act differently around others, showing their true controlling nature only to the person they’re targeting. This selective behavior reveals that the abuse is intentional and calculated, not accidental or impulsive. 

Statements like “Why don’t you just leave?”, “What did you do to make your partner so mad?”, or “Why did you go back?”, are deeply uninformed and harmful responses. They fail to consider the complex realities victims of domestic violence face: isolation from friends and family, financial dependence due to lack of employment, and credible threats of violence toward the victim or their loved ones if they try to leave. 

Counselors who are trained in domestic violence can offer a supportive space where all thoughts and feelings are valid. They can help you understand the complex dynamics of DV, dispel common myths, and provide insight into the social stigma that often surrounds victims. They can also assist in developing safety plans to help protect you during dangerous moments and connect you with local shelters that offer emergency housing in a secure and confidential setting. 

In addition, counseling can help you understand what healthy relationships look like, empower you, and rebuild your self-esteem. LifeStance counseling and talk therapy is available in-person or online, making it more accessible. Find a licensed mental health provider near you.

If you need immediate shelter or help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or text “Start” to 88788.