How Anxious Attachment Style Impacts Your Dating Life

There is an overwhelming amount of information (and opinion) online about the intersection of dating and psychology. One very buzzy concept that has gained traction in recent years is attachment styles. Originating in the 1950s psychologist John Bowlby, attachment theory is a psychological framework for analyzing how the relationship you have with your caregivers in your early life impacts future relationships as an adult.

Essentially, the theory is based around four attachment styles: secure, anxious, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Each attachment style describes broad tendencies relative to emotional issues, needs, behaviors, and patterns; many of which may trace back to your early childhood.

While secure attachment is ideal for maintaining healthy relationships, if you fall under the insecure attachment category, you’re probably familiar with the difficulties of dating when you have an anxious attachment style.

What Is an Anxious Attachment Style?

When you’re in a romantic relationship, do you often find yourself mentally and emotionally consumed by the person you’re dating? Do you get nervous when you don’t hear from your partner for more than an hour or two? Are you consistently worried about infidelity or fear they will hurt you or break up with you?

If any of this sounds familiar, you may relate to patterns commonly associated withan anxious attachment style, sometimes referred to as anxious-ambivalent attachment style. While there isn’t a process for an official “diagnosis,” as it’s not considered a mental health condition, talking with a licensed therapist can often help you explore your attachment patterns and how they may show up in your daily life.

Personally, I spent the majority of my 20s noticing patterns that aligned with anxious attachment. I would overthink and obsess about how my partner was feeling, or whether our relationship would last, and generally put others’ needs above my own in hopes of keeping their affection and attention.

Relating to anxious attachment patterns doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be single forever or fail in all your romantic pursuits; it may mean staying self-aware and developing supportive coping tools to help prevent these tendencies from interfering with your relationships.

LifeStance Health is a national leader in mental, behavioral, and emotional wellness with multiple locations in 33 states. Services vary by location.

Find a provider near you:

How Anxious Attachment Style Shows Up in Dating

Our attachment styles can influence more than we are often aware of in relationships, especially when it comes to dating. How we handle time alone or how we bounce back from interpersonal conflict, for example, can be shaped by patterns we learned early in life.

When you think about your dating habits and behaviors, it may be helpful to reflect on worries or fears you’ve experienced. If you suspect that you’re someone with an anxious attachment style, you may want to ask yourself whether you handle rejection well or whether you tend to spiral when you don’t hear back from a potential partner after a date.

While it may seem like these patterns can only hurt your own mental health or self-esteem, they can also impact your partner. They may feel obligated to soothe you when you’re feeling anxious, and some people aren’t well-equipped to do so. They also might feel smothered or like they need space if you need more time and energy from them than they are able to give.

Although a healthy relationship does require mutual support and encouragement from both partners, letting your anxious attachment patterns affect your partner can create strain; especially early in a relationship.

How to Fix Anxious Attachment Patterns and Become More Secure

From my experience, it can be possible to emotionally transition from an anxious attachment style to a more secure attachment style. Therapy helped me identify where I developed my anxious attachment patterns, how they show up in my life and relationships, and how I can self-soothe and ground myself back to a place of security and calmness.

There’s not one “right” way to go about this process. Depending on your needs, you might consider reading articles about attachment styles, talking to family and friends, or seeking support from a mental health professional. Everyone’s path looks different, and what matters most is finding approaches that feel supportive to you.

This article reflects personal experiences and general information. It is not intended as medical advice or a substitute for professional care. If you need additional support, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional.

References

  1. Khadka, C. (2025). The evolution of attachment theory: From Bowlby to modern perspectives. TUTA Journal, 10(1). https://doi.org/10.3126/tutaj.v10i1.74328

Latest News From LifeStance Health

Authored By 

Lexy Inks

Lexi (she/her) is a lifestyle journalist based in Jacksonville, Florida, with a passion for writing about sex and relationships, LGBTQ+ issues, wellness, beauty and fashion, spirituality, and social justice. Her work has appeared in publications including Bustle, Refinery29, BBC, Cosmopolitan,...

Reviewed By

Nina DiTommaso, PhD, LPC/MHSP
Dr. Nina DiTommaso is a firm believer in the total health of the individual, including mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. These four domains represent the different domains included in the wellness model of counseling. Nina’s goal is to help her clients become the best possible version of themselves they can be. Nina states, “Regardless of their past experiences and trauma, I help my clients learn how to process through all the hurt and pain, challenge and reframe their negative cognitions, and regain control over their emotions and behavior, in order to achieve life goals, and ultimately become successful in life.” Nina utilizes an eclectic approach with her clients, meeting her clients where they are in their stage of change and personal journey towards self-actualization. Her main theoretical approaches are grounded in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Person-Centered Counseling. She pulls in a variety of techniques and skills including family systems approach, motivational interviewing, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, Reality Therapy, and Narrative Therapy. Nina attended the University of Tennessee Knoxville, and received a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, a Master of Science in Mental Health Counseling, and her PhD in Counselor Education, with a graduate certificate in grief, loss, and trauma. Nina is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Mental Health Service Provider, and an Approved Clinical Supervisor in the state of Tennessee. Nina is also a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the state of Florida, a Nationally Certified Clinical Mental Health Counselor, and a Nationally Certified Counselor. Nina has over 20 years of clinical experience, providing individual, group, couples, and family counseling for clients. Nina specializes in substance abuse, and other addiction issues. Nina also has experience conducting alcohol and drug assessments, mental health assessments, and professional evaluations. Nina has worked in several treatment settings including inpatient, outpatient, and private practice. Nina taught college level courses at the University of Tennessee for five years while earning her PhD. Nina is a motivational speaker and has provided educational seminars and workshops at conferences, for companies, and in educational settings at the local, regional, and national level. Nina currently serves as the Regional Clinical Director for Tennessee at LifeStance Health. In her free time, Nina enjoys spending time with her daughters, lifting weights at the gym, and traveling.

Content Notice

IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT THIS CONTENT