How to Deal With Negative Emotions When Life Gets Hard

There’s a short Buddhist parable that I return to again and again. It comes to me often when I’m caught up in negative thoughts or emotions. It’s both poignant and eminently practical and might be worth tucking into your back pocket, too.

I’ve heard different versions of the teaching, but here’s one, courtesy of the Buddhist teacher Gil Fronsdal in his book The Issue at Hand: Essays on Buddhist Mindfulness Practice:

The Buddha once asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow is it painful?” The student replied, “It is.” The Buddha then asked, “If the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?” The student replied again, “It is.” The Buddha then explained, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional.

This simple metaphor captures a core truth about how we may experience emotional pain and why it can feel more intense than it needs to be.

The first arrow that strikes us represents the painful event itself. It can be physical or emotional pain, major or minor. Your partner breaks up with you, you sprain your ankle, someone’s rude to you at the grocery store, you get laid off; you get the idea.

The first arrow can also be a strong feeling that arises (like anger, sadness, or anxiety) or a difficult thought like self-criticism.

These “first arrows” are a part of life and can’t always be prevented. We can expect to keep getting struck by them as long as we’re alive. And, yes, they hurt.

But so often, what we don’t realize is how quickly we shoot ourselves with a “second arrow.” The second arrow represents our reaction to the initial pain. The cascade of thoughts, emotions, and actions that make the whole thing a lot worse.

This could look like judging and blaming (ourselves or others), stewing in resentment, catastrophizing, or lashing out in anger, for example.

Often, it’s more subtle: Your mind telling stories about what happened or what something means (that you don’t know to be true), or simply resisting what is (this shouldn’t be happening).

This second arrow is all the not-strictly-necessary suffering we layer on top of what happened.

The tricky thing is, this process of hitting yourself with the second arrow usually happens so fast that you don’t even catch it. You don’t realize that two separate things are going on: What’s happening and How you’re relating to what’s happening.

The pain caused by what happened and the pain caused by how you respond to it blend together, and you’re lost in the unpleasantness of it all.

Mindfulness and self-compassion can be used to help slow this moment down. They help create space between the first arrow and the second, which may make it easier to see what’s unavoidable and what’s within your control. From there, you can begin to respond to negative emotions with more clarity and care.

Here are a few ways to practice that.

1. Notice What You Can’t Control and What You Can

   What I love about this parable is that it draws your attention to the space between the first and second arrow. It reminds you that the first arrow is not in your control and the second arrow is your responsibility. It makes the work you have to do very clear: Release your attachment to the first arrow and turn your attention to the second.

2. Use Mindfulness to Catch the Second Arrow Early

   In my experience, practicing mindfulness and self-compassion are some of the best ways to sling fewer second arrows at yourself, or catch them sooner. Sometimes, I’m able to avoid hitting myself with the second arrow of an unhelpful reaction altogether. Other times, I’ll catch myself in the act of firing the second arrow, or after the fact: noticing that I’m wanting things to be different, telling myself a story, taking something personally, beating myself up, or believing a negative thought.

3. Allow Difficult Emotions Instead of Fighting Them

   I’ve found this practice to be especially useful when it comes to emotions. Rage and sorrow don’t feel good, but they feel extra terrible when I respond by making them a problem: pushing the feeling away, tensing around it, or shaming myself for it. When I remember that none of this is part of the emotion itself, the feeling tends to move through me so much more easily instead of sticking around.

4. Choose a Response That Supports You, Not Blame

   Recognizing the role you play in your difficult experiences isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about empowering yourself to be able to choose how you react to those inevitable first arrows, or the tough moments and unpleasant experiences we all have to go through in life.

This article reflects personal experiences and general information. It is not intended as medical advice or a substitute for professional care. Everyone’s experience with mental health is different, and reflections shared here are not a substitute for personalized care. If you need additional support, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional.