How to Meditate Properly: Why It’s Not About Fixing Yourself

It turns out that this is a pretty common trap. Since then, I’ve heard many meditation teachers speak about how common it is for people to come to mindfulness believing they need fixing. We often treat meditation like the spiritual equivalent of a new workout routine or wellness “hack” system; another optimizing tool in our never-ending self-improvement project.

Then, when meditation doesn’t seem to be “working,” we feel like failures and beat ourselves up. Instead of feeling calmer or more grounded, we often feel more flawed and hopeless. What we don’t recognize is that our motivation to meditate was all wrong in the first place. And that by changing how we approach meditation, we can change our relationship to it, and ourselves.

Early on, my meditation practice felt like a test I was constantly failing. My thoughts were loud. My emotions were rocky. My attention was scattered. My mood was still low.

Even though I might’ve looked peaceful sitting on the cushion, internally I was riling with self-judgment and a constant sense of falling short. My inner dialogue sounded like this: Ugh, you didn’t meditate again. Or: Your mind is a mess. What’s wrong with you? Or: Why are you so sad again today? This isn’t helping, you’re hopeless.

Then, knowing that the whole idea of mindfulness meditation was paying nonjudgemental attention to the present moment, I would judge myself for judging myself. It was self-flagellation disguised as a spiritual practice. No wonder I dreaded sessions, found ways to skip them, and dropped the practice for months at a time. Meditation was miserable and exhausting.

Really, I was just using meditation to reinforce the same inner dynamics that were already making me so unhappy. The only thing I was really “practicing” was something I was already extremely good at: Being harsh and unkind toward myself.

It took a long time to understand the trap I had set for myself. My wake-up call came when an instructor shared a quote from meditation teacher Bob Sharples:

“Don’t meditate to fix yourself, to improve yourself, to redeem yourself; rather, do it as an act of love, of deep warm friendship to yourself. In this way there is no longer any need for the subtle aggression of self-improvement, for the endless guilt of not doing enough… Instead, there is now meditation as an act of love.”

Sharples is pointing to the heart of the problem: The desire to fix ourselves is often what keeps us suffering. As long as we believe something is wrong with us, real acceptance stays out of reach.

Meditating as an “act of love,” as Sharples suggests, felt like quite a stretch. So instead, I aimed for acceptance and curiosity (which, you could argue, are forms of love themselves).

Gradually, something started shifting. I began to see mindfulness meditation less as a way to change my experience and more as a way to make room for it. I tried less hard; I stopped trying to be good. I started smiling at my self-criticism and experimenting with self-compassion.

Some days, that meant sitting with a mind that wouldn’t slow down. Others, it meant being gentle with the part of me that felt sad or lonely. Sometimes it meant noticing how quickly I judged myself for missing a day or doing it “wrong” and then not judging that judgment. Instead of trying to force these moments away, I practiced letting them be there.

Bit by bit, I began building a less adversarial relationship with myself, on and off the cushion. One that was more forgiving and friendly.

Ultimately, I came to understand that meditation isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about learning to be with who I already am, especially the “undesirable” part – anxiety, self-doubt, restlessness, sadness, and boredom. Allowing space for the whole mess turned out to be my doorway into greater self-love.

The irony is that many of the potential benefits people come to meditation looking for tend to come not when we chase them, but when we stop treating ourselves like a problem to be solved. When we stop using meditation to strengthen our habit patterns of self-rejection or self-harshness.

So, if you’re thinking about starting a meditation practice, or struggling with one you already have, it’s worth asking: What am I hoping this will fix about me? What would it be like to practice not from a place of feeling deficient, but from a place of self-compassion and caring deeply for myself?

Because meditation doesn’t ask us to become better people. It invites us to cultivate deep acceptance, starting with ourselves.

This article reflects personal experiences and general information. It is not intended as medical advice or a substitute for professional care. If you need additional support, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional.