How Nonviolent Communication Changed the Way I Express My Needs

Part of the problem is that most of us were never actually taught how to communicate assertively without being aggressive. No one showed us that it’s possible to tell somebody how their behavior makes us feel without being accusatory. We never learned how to express needs and make requests of people without feeling selfish or like we’re “too much.”

Enter Nonviolent Communication. Nonviolent Communication, or NVC, was developed in the 1960s by clinical psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. NVC is a communication approach that centers on fostering empathy, vulnerable self-expression, empathetic listening, identifying and getting needs met, and resolving conflict peacefully.

While there are many facets to explore within NVC, the piece my therapist shared with me, and that I want to talk about here, is the most practical and portable insight. It’s a four-step framework for clearly sharing your feelings, asking for what you need, and making constructive requests without blame, criticism, or force.

The basic model looks like this:

1. Observations: Objectively state the specific actions or words that are bothering you without adding your interpretation or judgement.

Example: When I see/hear/witness…

2. Feelings: Share the feelings you experience in relation to what you observe.

   Example: I feel…

3. Needs: Identify and state the underlying need that is not being met by this person when they say/do that.

   Example: Because I need/value…

4. Requests: Make a specific, concrete request (not demand) for the person to do something differently that would help meet that need.

   Example: Would you be willing to?

Here’s how the NVC model might look in action:

• When you show up two hours late for our lunch date (Observations), I feel irritated (Feelings), because I have a need for my time to be respected (Needs). Would you be willing to be on time for our next lunch or let me know if you’re running late? (Requests)
• When you’re on your phone while we’re eating dinner together (Observations), I feel sad and lonely (Feelings), because I value presence and connection with you (Needs). Would you be willing to leave your phone in the other room during dinner? (Requests)
• When you talk over me and cut me off in conversation (Observations), I feel hurt and disappointed (Feelings), because I have a need for my voice to be heard and to have my perspective be honored (Needs). Would you be willing to wait until I’m done speaking before you share? (Requests)

On paper, the NVC process can look almost laughably basic and a little script-y. In practice, it can actually be pretty uncomfortable at first. Especially if you’re used to indirect communication that conceals negative feelings and minimizes your needs (or, on the other hand, being accusatory and overly critical).

That’s why having a simple script to follow can be helpful. Left to your own devices, you might be tempted to overgeneralize somebody’s behavior (You always do that!), spin into blame (This is all your fault!), or fail to give the person clear direction on what you’d actually like them to do differently. Or maybe you’d freeze up and avoid the conversation altogether.

The NVC model provides a basic structure to stick to when you’re practicing something new. It gives you something to hold onto when emotions are high and old patterns want to take over. And it gives you a simple roadmap for having a conversation that is actually constructive for both parties.

What I appreciate most about NVC is that it invites you to reflect on what’s really going on for you, before you even open your mouth. Why does it make me so upset when they do that? How am I actually feeling? What needs of mine are not being met here? What do I want them to do differently? After all, the first step to being clear, honest, vulnerable, and loving with other people is being clear, honest, vulnerable, and loving with yourself.

This article reflects personal experiences and general information. It is not intended as medical advice or a substitute for professional care. If you need additional support, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional.