Key Takeaways Key Takeaways

  • The Gottman Method uses years of research on marriage to give couples practical strategies. It focuses on improving positive interactions and resolving conflicts well.

  • The Seven Principles, like “Enhance Love Maps” and “Overcome Gridlock,” help couples build emotional closeness. They also improve communication and create shared meaning in the relationship.

  • The method’s tools—like the Sound Relationship House and the “Four Horsemen” framework—can be applied beyond romantic relationships, benefiting family dynamics and even workplace interactions. However, couples facing severe challenges, such as substance abuse or domestic violence, may need specialized support before starting Gottman Therapy.

How Gottman Therapy Helps Couples Build Trust and Navigate Conflict 

In my years working with couples, I’ve often relied on the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy, a powerful approach that often helps partners navigate the complexities of their relationships. Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, it’s not just a set of techniques—it’s a research-based method that provides a framework for understanding the dynamics of love and conflict. While each couple’s story is unique, the Gottman Method offers clear, structured steps to address the problems that threaten to tear them apart.

At the core of the Gottman Method is over four decades of research. Thousands of couples have been studied in an effort to pinpoint the exact factors that make relationships succeed or fail. It’s this research foundation that makes the approach so effective. The therapy aims to increase positive interactions, reduce negativity, and help couples strengthen their emotional bonds by addressing areas of conflict in a meaningful, constructive way.

Central to the method are the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. These guide the therapeutic process:

    1. Enhance Your Love Maps: Couples need to truly know each other—what they like, what stresses them out, their dreams, and their worries. I often start here, asking couples to reconnect by learning more about each other’s inner worlds.
    2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration: Fostering a sense of appreciation and affection is key. I encourage partners to actively look for what they admire in each other rather than focusing on their frustrations.
    3. Turn Toward Each Other: This is about building an emotional bank account. Small moments of connection—like a touch on the arm or an attentive response—are deposits in that account, while ignoring or dismissing each other represent withdrawals from that account.
    4. Let Your Partner Influence You: In strong relationships, partners respect each other’s opinions and share decision-making power. It’s not about control but about recognizing that you both bring value to the relationship.
    5. Solve Your Solvable Problems: Some conflicts are easier to manage. I help couples learn how to communicate effectively and work to solve these issues without letting them escalate.
    6. Overcome Gridlock: There are perpetual problems in every relationship—issues that won’t ever be fully resolved. The key here is learning to live with those differences, finding compromises, and keeping the conversation going without resentment building up.
    7. Create Shared Meaning: Couples need a common vision for their future—a sense that they are building a life together that matters to both of them. This is where deeper connection and shared goals come into play.

In my experience, the Gottman Method provides a powerful set of principles that can address nearly any issue in a relationship. Dr. John Gottman’s research shines a light on the exact mechanisms at work in relationships, pinpointing where things tend to go off track. It’s not just about identifying problems but understanding the deeper dynamics behind them. While it’s most widely known for helping couples, I’ve found these principles can also be applied to other types of relationships—parent-child, sibling, and even workplace relationships. It’s all about fostering healthy communication, building trust, and understanding each other’s emotional needs. Of course, there are exceptions. Certain issues, such as substance abuse or domestic violence, require other forms of intervention before the Gottman Method can be effective. These issues create barriers to healthy communication and safety, both of which are foundational in any relationship. Until those underlying issues are addressed, the therapeutic work in couples counseling can only go so far.

In my experience, the Gottman Method provides a powerful set of principles that can address nearly any issue in a relationship.

In addition to the Gottman Method, I frequently use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg. While Gottman was conducting his research, EFT was emerging as a cornerstone in the Marriage and Family Therapy field. This approach focuses on helping partners understand their emotional patterns and how those patterns impact the relationship. Couples learn to identify their triggers—those moments that spark conflict—and how their reactions then trigger their partner in return. EFT is strongly based on attachment styles, a theory which explores how early emotional bonds shape the way we relate to others as adults. This theory is incredibly helpful not just for romantic couples but also for improving other relationship dynamics.

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I’ve seen firsthand how the Gottman Method and EFT can work together to transform relationships. For example, I had been seeing an individual in therapy for five years when she decided to start bringing her partner into the sessions. They had been together for half their lives, but their relationship was filled with turmoil—screaming matches, name-calling, infidelity, and several breakups. We began by using Gottman assessments, which helped them both identify where their strengths and weaknesses lay. It’s always revealing when couples see the results of these assessments—there’s usually a mix of surprise and relief when they realize their struggles are normal and that they have strengths to build on.

We then used the Sound Relationship House framework to pinpoint where their relationship was strong and what areas were lacking. In particular, we focused on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—four negative communication patterns that Gottman’s research shows are major predictors of relationship breakdown. During our sessions, I would point out when either partner was falling into these patterns, and we worked together on replacing them with healthier ways of expressing themselves.

I’ve seen firsthand how the Gottman Method and EFT can work together to transform relationships.

One pivotal moment came when I highlighted how both partners were contributing to the defensiveness in their conversations. Hearing the other person take responsibility helped each of them realize they weren’t alone in causing the problems—and that they weren’t alone in fixing them, either. They began practicing new ways to express their feelings during our sessions, focusing on using “I” statements and avoiding blame.

Several weeks later, they came into a session and excitedly told me about a conflict they had resolved on their own. It was a huge milestone for them, marking the beginning of a new chapter in their relationship. After six months of therapy, we revisited the Gottman assessments, and it was clear that they had made significant progress in all areas. Not only had they improved their communication and conflict resolution skills, but they had also begun working on creating shared meaning and making life dreams come true—two principles from the Gottman Method that focus on building a future together.

For many couples, the Gottman Method is a transformative experience. It’s not about applying rigid rules, but about learning how to turn toward each other, especially in moments of conflict or disconnection. For those struggling with frequent arguments, emotional distance, or unmet expectations, this approach can offer a path forward. And when combined with other approaches, like EFT, it can provide an even more comprehensive framework for healing and deepening a relationship.

For many couples, the Gottman Method is a transformative experience. It’s not about applying rigid rules, but about learning how to turn toward each other, especially in moments of conflict or disconnection.

If you and your partner are ready to take the next step toward a healthier, more connected relationship, finding a therapist who specializes in couples therapy could be the start of something new—a process of rebuilding trust, improving communication, and rediscovering the shared meaning in your life together. 

Authored By 

Amber LeFevour, LMFT

Amber LeFevour, LMFT, Site Director, completed her Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy at Northern Illinois University.

My focus has always been on children and families. My experiences working with foster care and international adoption clients has helped me learn to think on my feet and be flexible with whatever is brought into session. I have also had significant experience working with couples experiencing affairs. I use humor and playfulness to connect with clients, while being practical and down to earth. I also have a growing interest in spirituality, Transpersonal Psychology, and extra sensory experiences. Everyone has a unique story that deserves to be shared and understood. My goal is to help each person find a way to live as their best self.