How to Heal From a Breakup, From Someone Who’s Been Through It

Just like there isn’t one correct way to work through grief, there isn’t one quick fix or perfect method for healing from a breakup and moving forward. No matter how long the relationship was, there’s a certain level of intimacy most people share with a romantic partner that isn’t found in other connections. This can make a split more emotionally painful and devastating. If you’re in this situation, both time and some mental effort may help you start to see past this pain.

Here are four tips on how to get over a breakup.

1. Give Yourself Space Away From Your Ex

   As someone who used to deal with intense issues relating to an anxious attachment style, I know how difficult it can be to not only go through a breakup, but to learn to navigate life without your partner. Whether the shift was gradual or abrupt, it’s never easy to adjust to the absence of a person who was so significant to you and so involved in your daily life.

   This is precisely why many individuals benefit from giving themselves space away from their ex-partner, both emotionally and physically. Although it can be tempting to send them a text or plan a meetup over coffee for “closure” when you’re deep in your grief, it’s rarely a good idea to maintain contact with your ex soon after a breakup. It can be helpful to explore what life looks like without your former partner.

2. Fill Your Schedule With Activities That Nourish You

   If you’re spending more time reminiscing on your past relationship and mourning the future you envisioned with your ex-partner than living in the present, you likely need to find alternative ways to spend your time. Although I don’t recommend distracting yourself in favor of not processing your feelings, it’s important to find a balance between grieving your relationship and giving yourself reasons to move on.

   In the past, I have been guilty of neglecting some of my close friendships when I was in a romantic relationship. I tended to make my partner the center of my world and social life, which meant spending less time and energy on nurturing the connections I had with my friends. Once a breakup happened, however, I often realized how important those people were to me and how much I needed them to help me pick up the pieces and heal.

   If you’re going through a breakup, filling your social calendar by seeing your friends and family, engaging in old or new hobbies, and setting aside time for self-care may be ways to pull yourself out of the sadness you might otherwise be drowning in. You can learn a new skill, try out art classes, join a local social sports team, or simply share quality time with your loved ones.

3. Talk It Out With Someone You Trust

   Everyone processes their feelings differently. Personally, I am someone who needs to talk through them and have someone I trust serve as a sounding board. Sometimes that person is a good friend or a family member. The most effective and impactful conversations for me happened when I met with my therapist.

   Despite their best efforts and insight, even your closest loved ones may not be able to lead you in the right direction on your healing journey after a breakup. If you’re really struggling and feel like you need help to stabilize or come up with healthy coping skills, seeing a licensed therapist is often a helpful method. This may also help you stay emotionally safe and get professional guidance on how to deal with your grief, especially if the breakup involved infidelity or any form of abuse.

4. Give Yourself Grace During the Healing Process

   Even though you may start feeling better and more hopeful by occupying yourself with a new hobby or spending plenty of time hanging out with your friends, healing is never linear. Even weeks or months after you split from a partner, you may find yourself back in that same mental space you were when the breakup first happened. This is normal, and sometimes even necessary. Despite how painful these moments can be, they can also serve as opportunities for you to practice self-soothing techniques or grounding activities to process your feelings in a safe and healthy way.

   Speaking from experience, it’s understandable to feel guilty or even ashamed for getting upset about a breakup you may have thought you moved on from. No matter how much time has passed, it’s OK to miss your ex-partner or feel the weight of that loss. Be gentle with yourself when these moments come. Lean on the strategies and resources at your disposal so they pass without consuming you.

This article reflects personal experiences and general information. It is not intended as medical advice or a substitute for professional care. If you’re finding it hard to cope or need additional support, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional.