Key Takeaways Key Takeaways

  • Couples therapy with a narcissist requires substantial commitment and can sometimes be effective, but only if the narcissistic partner is genuinely willing to change, engage in self-reflection, and pursue individual therapy alongside couples sessions.

  • Identifying narcissistic tendencies, such as gaslighting and projection, is essential in therapy, as these behaviors can erode trust and create a harmful dynamic in the relationship.

  • For many in relationships with narcissistic partners, couples therapy may ultimately clarify that separation is a healthier choice, enabling both individuals to focus on personal healing and growth.

Can Couples Therapy Help Narcissists in Relationships?

When someone in a relationship begins to believe their partner may exhibit narcissistic traits, they might seek couples therapy as a way to improve communication and restore harmony. However, when one partner truly displays narcissistic tendencies or has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), couples therapy might not be the best path forward.

Can couples therapy with a narcissist succeed in helping the relationship, or could it inadvertently harm the non-narcissistic partner? LifeStance experts Jodie Hommer, MA, LCPC, LMHC, LMFT, and Paul Eastman, PhD, weigh in on the unique dynamics that arise in couples therapy with a narcissistic partner.

Is Couples Therapy Advisable for Narcissistic Relationships?

There is no clear answer to this question, with some expert opinions warning that it could be harmful and others noting that they have seen some success.

Jodie Hommer, a clinician experienced in working with couples where one or both partners show narcissistic traits, has seen therapy bring some benefit to these relationships—but only under specific conditions. For therapy to work, Hommer emphasizes, the narcissistic partner must genuinely want to change and be willing to examine and adjust their behavior. In her sessions, she assesses whether the narcissistic partner is capable of taking responsibility, showing empathy, and understanding their actions’ impact on their partner. Unfortunately, such willingness is rare in individuals with true narcissistic traits.

Paul Eastman, PhD, offers a more cautious perspective, suggesting that couples counseling is often not advisable when one partner is narcissistic. According to Eastman, “Couples counseling with a narcissist rarely leads to meaningful improvement because the narcissistic partner often lacks the ability to engage genuinely with the therapeutic process.”

He explains that instead of facilitating change, therapy sessions can give the narcissistic partner new tools to manipulate, invalidate, or control their partner. “It’s not uncommon for a narcissistic partner to weaponize information shared in therapy, which can lead to further emotional harm for the non-narcissistic partner,” Eastman adds.

Identifying Narcissistic Partners' Behavior in Couples Therapy

Both Hommer and Eastman look for specific behaviors that suggest one partner may have narcissistic tendencies. Hommer describes behaviors like denial, lack of empathy, and frequent gaslighting as red flags. Narcissistic partners may distort the truth, deflect responsibility, or downplay their hurtful actions, creating a highly toxic environment for their partner.

Eastman notes additional signs, including projection and DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), where the narcissistic partner deflects blame and portrays themselves as the victim. He also warns to watch for triangulation, where the narcissistic partner attempts to manipulate the therapist or even a third party into siding with them. These behaviors are particularly harmful because they exacerbate feelings of self-doubt and confusion in the non-narcissistic partner, leaving them vulnerable to further emotional damage.

How To Set Boundaries and Protect Yourself Against Narcissistic Abuse

For individuals in a relationship with a narcissistic partner, setting healthy boundaries is crucial but challenging. Hommer recommends that those in such relationships trust their instincts. “If your partner frequently dismisses your concerns or invalidates your feelings, this is a significant red flag,” she advises. Hommer also suggests keeping written records of interactions. This can help prevent confusion from gaslighting and offers clarity when the narcissistic partner tries to twist past events.

My advice is to work with an individual therapist who can help identify and validate the abuse, empowering the person to make informed decisions about their relationship.

Jodie Hommer, MA, LCPC, LMHC, LMFT

Eastman echoes the importance of boundaries and adds that, in these situations, individual therapy is often a more effective starting point than couples counseling. “My advice is to work with an individual therapist who can help identify and validate the abuse, empowering the person to make informed decisions about their relationship,” he says. Individual therapy can be particularly helpful for those who feel trapped or manipulated by a narcissistic partner because it offers them a safe space to explore their feelings and develop strategies for self-care and protection.

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Can Narcissists Change Through Therapy?

While it’s possible for narcissistic individuals to change, both experts agree that genuine transformation in these individuals is rare and depends entirely on the narcissistic partner’s willingness to engage in deep self-reflection. Hommer has seen some success with narcissistic partners who are truly committed to personal growth, often through a combination of individual and couples therapy.

While it’s possible for narcissistic individuals to change, both experts agree that genuine transformation in these individuals is rare and depends entirely on the narcissistic partner’s willingness to engage in deep self-reflection.

“For positive change to happen, the narcissistic partner needs to take full responsibility for their actions and show empathy—a challenging but necessary step,” she says. However, Eastman emphasizes that, for many narcissists, this level of introspection is a significant barrier. “Narcissistic traits are deeply rooted in insecurity and a need for control, which makes it difficult for the individual to recognize, let alone change, their behavior,” he explains. Without this willingness, couples therapy is unlikely to lead to lasting change and may instead prolong an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

When Therapy Leads to Separation

Therapy may reveal that separation is the healthiest choice, especially when one partner refuses to acknowledge or change harmful behaviors. Hommer notes that while her goal as a therapist is often to facilitate healing within the relationship, sometimes ending the relationship is the most beneficial outcome. “Therapy can be an opportunity for the non-narcissistic partner to gain clarity and ultimately make the difficult decision to leave a toxic relationship,” she says.

Eastman agrees, highlighting that separation allows both individuals to focus on their own healing. “The separation frees up both parties to focus on their own healing. The abuse survivor will no longer have their insecurities exploited or their emotions manipulated. Additionally, the narcissist is left with no one to control, which ideally leaves space for them to seek help for their own deep-seated insecurities as well.”

Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship

Leaving a narcissistic relationship is often the first step on a long path to recovery. Narcissistic abuse can leave lasting scars, making it challenging for survivors to trust others or form healthy attachments in future relationships. Hommer and Eastman both emphasize the importance of counseling for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery during this time, as it can provide essential support, helping individuals process trauma and rebuild their self-esteem.

Hommer notes that while her goal as a therapist is often to facilitate healing within the relationship, sometimes ending the relationship is the most beneficial outcome.

For those emerging from a narcissistic relationship, therapy offers a chance to rediscover their own values, set strong boundaries, and find renewed confidence. Eastman believes that this healing process ultimately empowers survivors to seek out future relationships built on respect, understanding, and mutual support.

While couples therapy can sometimes provide insight and clarity for those in a relationship with a narcissistic partner, it shouldn’t be considered a cure-all. In cases where one partner consistently refuses to engage in change, individual therapy can be a path to healing and freedom. For people dealing with these tough situations, getting professional help can be a strong step forward. This can be through individual or couples counseling. If you think you may be in need of individual therapy or couples therapy, you can find a therapist near you here.

Authored By 

LifeStance Health

LifeStance is a mental healthcare company focused on providing evidence-based, medically driven treatment services for children, adolescents, and adults.

Contributed By

Jodie Hommer, MA, LCPC, LMHC, LMFT

Jodie Hommer, a therapist at LifeStance Health, is dedicated to providing compassionate and expert therapy services to individuals, couples, and families in Washington. Jodie offers a wide range of therapeutic interventions, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), marriage and family therapy, and Christian counseling for those who wish to incorporate their faith into their sessions. Serving adults aged 18 and up, Jodie helps clients navigate life stressors, relationship challenges, and significant life changes. Jodie is particularly passionate about treating women’s issues, including anxiety, depression, PTSD/trauma, and midlife transitions.

Her expertise as a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP) and a Certified Personality Disorder Treatment Professional (C-PD) enables her to provide specialized care for women impacted by personality disorders, such as those recovering from narcissistic abuse. Jodie’s commitment to her clients’ well-being is evident in her personalized approach to therapy, which aims to empower women and help them regain control over their lives. In addition to her focus on individual therapy, Jodie excels in providing couples and family therapy. She works with couples and families struggling with various life challenges, helping them to build stronger, healthier relationships. Jodie’s use of CBT is particularly effective in addressing negative thought patterns and fostering positive change, ensuring that her clients receive the support they need to achieve lasting improvements in their mental health and relationships.

Jodie’s personal interests enrich her therapeutic practice, allowing her to connect with clients on a deeper level. She enjoys spending time with her family and friends, watching hockey, and shopping at thrift and antique stores. In her spare time, she finds relaxation in knitting and reading non-fiction books.

Paul Eastman, PhD

Paul Eastman, PhD, is a compassionate psychologist at LifeStance Health, committed to helping individuals navigate life’s challenges across California. He focuses on building relational trust with his clients, using a collaborative approach to address deep-rooted issues. With expertise in individual therapy, couples therapy, and group therapy, Paul serves adults and teens, creating a safe and supportive space for healing. Whether addressing anxiety, depression, or trauma, his goal is to empower his clients to take meaningful steps toward emotional well-being. Paul is especially passionate about helping those dealing with PTSD/trauma, intimate partner violence, and emotional abuse. His clinical work with survivors of domestic violence is grounded in empathy and respect, ensuring that clients feel understood as they work through painful experiences.

Paul also has extensive experience supporting individuals struggling with bipolar disorder, gender identity concerns, and grief. His integrative therapeutic approach, combining Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with couples and marital counseling, ensures that each client receives tailored, evidence-based care. In addition to his core specialties, Paul is dedicated to serving diverse populations, including men, women, and the LGBTQ+ community. His deep understanding of gender identity issues and men’s mental health allows him to address unique struggles with sensitivity and skill. Paul offers support for those facing ADHD and relationship challenges, helping clients develop tools to enhance emotional regulation and improve interpersonal connections. He provides additional therapeutic services for clients managing other mental health concerns, always aiming to offer holistic care that promotes long-term healing.

Outside of his professional work, Paul enjoys hiking, photography, video games, and cooking. His love for the outdoors and creativity reflects the balance he encourages in his clients’ lives. Serving clients across California, Paul Eastman is ready to help you achieve emotional well-being and growth. Book online to begin your journey toward mental wellness with an experienced and caring psychologist.