Key Takeaways Key Takeaways

  • Recognizing the signs. Symptoms like excessive sleep, social withdrawal, or neglecting hygiene can signal depression. Identifying these behaviors early can help you support your roommate effectively.

  • Boundaries are essential. Supporting a depressed roommate doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being. Setting boundaries and practicing self-care are critical to avoid resentment and conflict.

  • Be present and supportive. Let a depressed roommate know you care and are there to listen without judgement. Encourage them to stay active.

  • For emergencies or mental health crisis, call 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, to reach trained crisis counselors who can help with suicide and mental health crises.

Help, My Roommate Is Depressed: What You Can Do and When to Step Back

Starting college is an exciting experience and for many young people, it is the first time they live with a roommate. Sharing close quarters means daily interactions, and if your roommate begins showing signs of depression, it can have an impact on you as well. With studies showing that 44% of college students experience depression, the likelihood of living with someone exhibiting symptoms of depression is fairly high. Living with a roommate who is experiencing depression can be difficult to navigate, especially when balancing their needs with your own well-being.

Mental health experts Kimberly Curtis, LPC, CADC, and Suzanne Mosaliganti, PsyD, offer insights on how to recognize the signs of depression in a roommate, provide support, and establish healthy boundaries to protect your mental health.

How To Recognize The Signs of Depression in Your Roommate

It’s not always obvious when someone is struggling with depression. You might think your roommate is just “going through something” or has simply been in a bad mood for a while. However, depression is more than occasional sadness and diagnosing depression is something only a mental health professional can do. That said, experts suggest watching for certain behaviors and patterns that may signal a depressive disorder. Recognizing these signs can help you better understand what your roommate might be experiencing and determine how to respond appropriately.

  • Sleeping excessively or struggling with insomnia
  • Social withdrawal and isolation
  • Loss of interest in hobbies or activities they once enjoyed
  • Neglecting hygiene or basic self-care (e.g., not showering, not brushing teeth)
  • Missing obligations like work or class
  • Low energy and lack of motivation
  • Impulsive behaviors (e.g., excessive drinking or risky actions)
  • Changes in eating habits (overeating, undereating, or relying solely on takeout)
  • Substance use or risky coping mechanisms

According to Dr. Mosaliganti, it’s important to remember that depression doesn’t look the same for everyone. For example, some students may neglect schoolwork, while others may hyper-focus on it as a distraction. If you observe these signs, it might be time to check in with your roommate.

Gently Approaching Your Roommate

When approaching a roommate who may be struggling with depression, it’s natural to feel like you’re walking on eggshells, worrying about saying the wrong thing. Dr. Mosaliganti advises keeping it simple and starting with: “Hey, are you okay?” This gentle question can open the door for conversation.

Depending on your comfort level and relationship, offering a listening ear can make a significant difference. If you do offer to listen, do so without judgment or minimizing their feelings. Avoid using shaming or accusatory language, such as pointing out how their behavior inconveniences you, and steer clear of “should” statements like, “You should just go out more.” Instead, let them know about campus counseling services, which are available to all students.

Dr. Mosaliganti suggests normalizing seeking help by sharing that others—without identifying them—have benefited from these resources. If your roommate displays more concerning behaviors, such as self-harm or suicidal gestures, or if you feel out of your depth, don’t hesitate to reach out to your Residential Advisor (RA) for support. Dr. Mosaliganti stresses, “As college students, you are not trained therapists, and even if you were, it’s not healthy for a person to adopt the role of ‘therapist’ toward their housemate. It’s okay to step back and ask for help.”

It’s important to choose the right time and place for these conversations since timing can make all the difference. Make sure it’s a calm, distraction-free moment when you both have time to talk. LPC Curtis advises avoiding any rush or pressure—if your roommate isn’t ready to open up, let them know you’re there whenever they feel ready to talk.

As college students, you are not trained therapists, and even if you were, it’s not healthy for a person to adopt the role of ‘therapist’ toward their housemate. It’s okay to step back and ask for help.

Both experts agree on the importance of “I” statements to avoid sounding blaming or accusatory. Curtis suggests saying things like, “I care about you and want to make sure you’re okay,” which can encourage open communication rather than defensiveness. Be patient and listen without judgment. “You must be ready to listen to listen, not listen to talk,” Curtis explains, emphasizing that you’re not there to fix the situation. Allow your roommate to share as much—or as little—as they feel comfortable with and avoid dismissive phrases like “you’ll be fine” or “just think positive,” which can make them feel isolated.

Allow your roommate to share as much—or as little—as they feel comfortable with and avoid dismissive phrases like “you’ll be fine” or “just think positive,” which can make them feel isolated.

If your roommate isn’t ready to open up, respect their boundaries. Curtis recommends checking in periodically with open-ended questions like, “How have you been feeling lately?” This ongoing support reassures them you’re there when they’re ready. You can gently suggest professional help—every college has counseling services—but do so sensitively and without pressure.

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Encouraging Professional Help

While you can offer emotional support, remember that you’re not a therapist. Both experts encourage normalizing professional help and sharing information about resources available on campus, such as counseling services or support groups.

If your roommate seems hesitant, Curtis recommends gently suggesting options like:

  • “I’ve heard our counseling center has free services—maybe it’s worth checking out?”
  • “It’s normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Talking to someone really helped me when I was struggling.”

If appropriate, offer to help them research resources, or accompany them to their first appointment for support. However, respect their boundaries and recognize that seeking help is ultimately their decision.

Protecting Your Own Mental Health

Living with a depressed roommate can be emotionally draining. You may feel helpless or even take on their stress, which can affect your own well-being. Both experts stress the importance of boundaries and self-care.

1. Set Clear Boundaries

Communicate openly about your needs. For example, if your roommate’s mess or energy is overwhelming, politely request changes without being accusatory. As Dr. Mosaliganti notes, it’s okay to ask for what you need: “This is your home too, and you matter.”

2. Prioritize Self-Care

Take care of your own mental and physical health through daily habits:

  • Maintain routines like exercise, sleep, activities, and healthy eating.
  • Create a personal space within your dorm that feels soothing—add cozy blankets, photos, music, or candles.
  • Use healthy distractions like books, crafts, or puzzles to recharge.

3. Lean on Your Support System

Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist about your experience. It’s okay to share your feelings without violating your roommate’s privacy.

4. Spend Time Outside Your Dorm

If you feel overwhelmed, spend time in other spaces like the library, a café, or a friend’s room. Staying active in social and extracurricular activities can also help you maintain balance and joy.

When to Seek Additional Help

If your roommate shows concerning signs such as self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or violent behavior, don’t hesitate to involve others. Dr. Mosaliganti advises connecting with your RA or campus support staff immediately—they are trained to handle these situations safely and appropriately.

For emergencies or mental health crisis, call 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, to reach trained crisis counselors who can help with suicide and mental health crises or call 911.

References

  1. The Healthy Minds Study: 2021-2022 Data Report. https://healthymindsnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/HMS_national_print-6-1.pdf

Authored By 

LifeStance Health

LifeStance is a mental healthcare company focused on providing evidence-based, medically driven treatment services for children, adolescents, and adults.

Contributed By

Suzanne Mosaliganti, PsyD

Dr. Mosaliganti is a licensed psychologist and feels privileged to have worked with a range of clients in a variety of settings. She has significant experience performing individual psychotherapy at a Boston-based college counseling center. Additionally, she has served, for seven years, as a Medical Advocate at Boston Area Rape Center and has provided individual-counseling services at the Edith Nourse Rogers Memorial Veterans Hospital and within inpatient settings. At the core of her practice, Dr. Mosaliganti holds onto the reality that people are highly dynamic and nuanced. Recognizing that the therapy process can, therefore, often be non-linear, shifting between different issues and stages, she fosters a flexible integrative orientation. She particularly tends to draw from CBT, positive psychology, psychodynamic, ACT, and DBT-based approaches. Regardless of the treatment approach, Dr. Mosaliganti, through collaboration with the client, strives to tailor the therapy to align with, prioritize, and nurture the client’s expressed values. Dr. Mosaliganti received her Bachelors of Arts from Boston College and a Masters of Arts in Psychology from Boston University. She completed her Doctorate of Clinical Psychology at William James College. Pronouns: She/Her/Hers

Kimberly Curtis, LCPC, CADC

Kim Curtis is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) who has been practicing since 2020. Her main areas of focus include anxiety, depression, women’s health issues, and addiction/dependency. Kim has specialized training and experience in substance and process addictions, including opioid, stimulant, alcohol, tobacco, cannabis, inhalant, sedatives, hallucinogens, anxiolytics, gambling, sex, gaming, food, and exercise addiction. Kim is currently exploring more trainings on women’s health, including attentive deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), and premenstrual exacerbation (PME).
Kim believes in creating a safe space in the therapy room. She makes her clients a priority, tailoring therapeutic techniques to fit the client’s needs. Kim utilizes elements of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Feminist Therapy, Narrative Therapy, and other trauma-informed care therapies to aid clients in processing and overcoming challenges associated with depression, anxiety, ADHD, grief, trauma, major life transitions, body image issues, self-esteem and self-worth issues, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and somatoform disorders. In addition to traditional therapies, Kim utilizes versatile tools and practices, such as meditation, mindfulness, guided relaxation, and aromatherapy.
In her spare time, Kim enjoys binging the latest Real Housewives season, improving her coffee palate, trying the newest pop hits ride on her Peloton, and attending Pilates classes. She also enjoys quality time with her friends and family, traveling, concerts/festivals, and playing with her roommate’s Yorkie mix, Mac. Kim earned her Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Adler University in Chicago, and received her duel Bachelor’s degrees in Psychology and Sociology from The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.