Making Peace with Family Dynamics During the Holidays

Trauma is one of the most significant life events, with lasting effects that can shape how we react and cope. By reflecting on the past with curiosity, we can uncover both the strategies we’ve developed to adapt and the traumatic experiences that continue to affect us in profound ways. These moments can trigger intense reactions, and addressing them often requires the support of therapy. Therapy provides a safe space to explore and process these experiences, which can sometimes resurface during family gatherings. Families, intentionally or not, can bring up long-buried memories or reveal surprising truths, creating emotional upheaval.

It’s also important to acknowledge that not all families operate the same way. In some cultures, family structures are larger and more collectivist than in others, emphasizing shared responsibilities and tight-knit bonds.

For some, maintaining contact with family isn’t possible or healthy due to past harm or negative impact to one’s mental health. Instead, they may build chosen families of friends who provide the support and connection they need. On the other hand, being estranged from family can be painful, especially for those longing for closer ties. Recognizing these differences helps us approach family dynamics with more understanding and compassion.

In the 18th-century novel Gulliver’s Travels, a full-sized man, Gulliver, finds himself in a land of six-inch-tall citizens. The people of this kingdom are divided into two opposing groups. Gulliver sees their size as their most striking difference, but the groups are deeply concerned with a far more trivial issue. According to a sacred text they all follow, “All true believers break their eggs at the convenient end.” The two groups interpret this differently—one believes the larger end of the egg is the proper place to crack it, while the other insists on the smaller end. This seemingly minor disagreement has caused intense conflict, even bloodshed, between the two sides.

This concept of intense division over small differences is not unique to Gulliver’s Travels. Though the novel predates the term, it mirrors what Freud later described as the “Narcissism of Small Differences.”

We tend to expect more from family or close friends, which makes small differences feel like betrayals. For example, seeing a stranger wearing a shirt that supports a rival team or different political ideology might annoy you, but if your uncle wears it, it could spark an argument. This is part of what Freud called the “narcissism of small differences”—our tendency to clash more with those who are similar to us.

Family also teaches us habits that shape how we handle conflict, such as:

1. Projecting: Blaming others for feelings we don’t want to admit (e.g., accusing someone else of being angry when we are).
2. Splitting: Viewing others as entirely good or bad, with no in-between.
3. Idealizing: Ignoring flaws and putting someone on a pedestal—until they fall off.

Family gatherings can amplify these patterns, as people project their own insecurities or hopes onto others. Comments like “When will I be a grandmother?” or “You should lose weight” often reflect personal regrets or desires more than genuine concern.

• • Self-Awareness: Reflect on why certain comments or actions trigger strong emotions. Journaling can help identify shared values or differences.
  • Avoid Triggers: Make a mental list of sensitive topics to steer clear of during gatherings.
  • Take Breaks: Step away from heated situations to cool off.
  • Use “I” Statements: Express your feelings without blaming others (e.g., “I felt hurt when you said…”).

The holidays might not always go smoothly, but they offer a chance to better understand ourselves and grow. With some perspective of curiosity, patience and reflection, we can navigate these tricky dynamics and find moments of connection.