The Most Common Effects of Divorce on Children and How to Manage Them 

Despite the common belief that divorce is always damaging to children, parents have the power to significantly minimize its impact. By taking proactive steps to support their children’s emotional well-being, parents can help them navigate this challenging time more smoothly.

Allow your child to have their own feelings and encourage them to share those feelings—no matter what they are.

Dr. Heath Mueller, MD

Maintaining Stability and Routine is the Key 

Children going through divorce experience many emotions, Dr. Heath Mueller, MD, a LifeStance Psychiatrist who specializes in child and adolescent psychiatry explains, “Grief is often the primary emotion for everyone involved in divorce—the grieving of the life you once knew. Helping children grieve this loss is one of the most vital and difficult tasks for a parent. Minimizing a child’s losses by providing as much stability as possible can help mitigate the stress for a child—maintaining time with both parents (when this is safe), consistency in routine, attendance to school and activities and socialization with friends.”

Encourage Them To Share Feelings—No Matter What They Are 

If your child “acts up” and expresses anger, it can actually be a positive sign because it opens channels for communication. Encouraging open communication and the expression of feelings helps children manage the impact of divorce. Let your child know that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions, whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion. Assure them that these feelings are normal and that you are there to listen and support them.

Dr. Mueller advises, “Allow your child to have their own feelings and encourage them to share those feelings—no matter what they are. Children should know sharing their feelings with you is welcomed. You can tell your child that it’s okay not to talk as well, but you should also tell them that you will check in with them from time to time because you care about them. Reading books about divorce with kids affected by divorce can be a way to help validate a child’s experience and give them words to describe how they are feeling. “Dinosaurs Divorce” is a good resource for younger children.”

Open communication goes both ways. Children often learn by example, Dr. Mueller suggests. “Sharing your own feelings as appropriate can also be a guide for children on how they should feel during a confusing time. This should be done in limited and appropriate ways. An example might be, ‘I feel really sad and upset about the divorce. It is really hard, but I am strong and will get through this. It’s not your job to worry about me, but it’s important for you to know that I feel sad sometimes too.’”

Extra Support in the Form of Therapy Goes a Long Way 

Make sure to provide emotional support and reassure them of your love. Sometimes it may help to look for external help from mental health professionals and utilize therapy to go through this incredibly stressful time. Isabelle McKay, LPC, from LifeStance Scottsdale, Arizona recommends Play Therapy as a form of therapy tailored to children of divorce.

“When working with a child of divorce, I use a few approaches depending on the age, cognitive development and interests of the child. Play Therapy is my most utilized approach to working with a child of divorce, as it allows them the control to express what is happening in their lives through play, so it does not feel so personal. This approach also allows space to explore how they feel regarding individuals in the family without it being directed at a loved one, as well as how they feel about their part in the family as everyone adjusts. I also utilize directive and non-directive art expression for those that may not be interested in play.”

Last but certainly, not least, reassure them of your love. Children often worry that the divorce is their fault. Reassure them that both parents love them and that the divorce is not due to anything they did.

Telling your kids is one of the first and most difficult steps when going through a divorce. It is often accompanied by strong emotions such as guilt, shame, dread, disappointment, and the fear that you cannot protect your child from this painful experience. It is a good idea to be intentional about how you tell your children. How you approach this can depend on many factors including the age of your children, the specifics of why you are separating, and what kind of relationship you have with the other parent.

According to Dr. Mueller, children should be given some warning before breaking the news, so they are not completely shocked. It is ideal to tell your children together if possible. This will require some planning in advance with the other parent to develop a strategy on when and how to tell your children.

Additionally, children should be reassured that this is not their fault, and that this is not happening because of anything the child has done wrong. They should be assured that their parents will always be their parents and that they are loved and will always be taken care of. They should be given straightforward information on how this will impact their daily lives (e.g., where and whom they will be living with, how they will get to school, etc.).

McKay suggests keeping it very clear and to the point: “We have decided that we no longer want to be together and are going to get something that is called a divorce. This means that we will each have our own home for you to live at. You will spend x-time at ____ place and x-time at ____ place. You will have clothes, toys and all the things you need at both places.”

She stresses the importance of kindness and respect towards one another in front of the child. “Do not speak poorly of one another around or to your child as this leads them to feel conflicted and like they must ‘choose’ a side.”

Allow time for questions. Be prepared for questions and answer them as honestly as possible. Encourage your children to share their thoughts and feelings about the situation.

The effects of divorce on children can vary substantially. There are many factors that can influence how divorce affects children, such as age, living arrangement changes, changes to the child’s daily life and daily routines, how well the parent is coping as a newly single parent, and whether there new partners or stepparents involved.

Some children might feel angry at one or both parents for the divorce. They may express frustration over the disruption to their lives. Dr. Mueller says, “young children, in particular, may show an increase in behavioral issues including aggression, acting out, uncooperativeness or withdrawn behavior.”

Play Therapy is my most utilized approach to working with a child of divorce, as it allows them the control to express what is happening in their lives through play, so it does not feel so personal.

Isabelle McKay, LPC

Some children might believe that they did something wrong or are somehow responsible for the divorce, especially if they hear arguments that involve them. While these are all normal reactions, there are circumstances where therapy could be helpful.

You may want to consider therapy if:

• Your child shows persistent behavioral changes such as aggression, withdrawal, or a decline in academic performance. This is a sign that you should speak to your child’s pediatrician or seek out an assessment with a child therapist or child psychiatrist.
• Your child is experiencing emotional struggles such as intense sadness, anxiety, or anger that doesn’t improve over time. A child therapist could be helpful in providing coping tools.
• There is ongoing family conflict, specifically between parents, that affects the child.  A family therapist can offer support and strategies to manage the situation.

“Therapy can aid both the child and parents in navigating the adjustments during the first 1-2 years post-divorce.” says Dr. Mueller.

Dr. Mueller shares helpful advice to parents in setting their children up for success in navigating this difficult time. She says, “It’s important for parents to hear that children are resilient. Divorce is a painful experience for children; however, it doesn’t mean children are permanently wounded. Yes, children are shaped by such a life-altering experience, but children can survive and thrive after a divorce. How children fare greatly depends on how parents manage their own emotions and handle their relationship with their children and each other. It is important to put children first and keep them out of the middle of conflict between their parents. Most parents would agree they want to put their children first but doing so can be very difficult in the middle of intense emotions or high conflict.”

Research tells us that children do better when their parents work together cooperatively and do what they can to limit their child’s exposure to fighting and conflict. Exposure to parental conflict (in or out of a marriage) is more damaging to children’s well-being than divorce itself. It might be helpful to imagine yourself sitting at your child’s future college graduation, wedding or other momentous occasion and ask yourself how you would have liked to handle things.

There are many beliefs surrounding the idea that certain ages are better for parents to divorce, with some parents even choosing to wait until their children are grown up before making the decision. Some people think that younger children might adapt more easily, while others believe that older kids are better equipped to handle the emotional complexities.

Dr. Mueller shares, “Most experts report that school aged years, ages between 7 and 16, seem to be the developmental stage kids struggle the most during a divorce. This is because of the developmental stages they are in—how they perceive themselves, others and the world.”

Mckay offers another perspective on younger children. She says, “If caregivers split within the first four years of the child’s life, and one of the caregivers is absent or inconsistently providing care to the child, they may struggle to develop secure attachments.”

However, the reality is that there is no best or worst age for a child to experience their parents’ divorce, as the impact varies depending on the individual child and the circumstances surrounding the separation. What matters most is how parents manage the process and support their children through it, regardless of their age.

In summary, divorce is undeniably challenging, but with the right strategies and support, children can navigate this transition successfully. By providing stability, open communication, and appropriate resources, parents can help their children cope with the emotional upheaval of divorce. Divorcing parents should always consider seeking professional help if concerns arise, and LifeStance offers a variety of therapists who specialize in family relationships and can help with children of divorce.